I can’t promise this is going to make sense. In fact, it probably won’t. But I need to get my thoughts out there and so, here goes.
I think they went on their first “date” tonight. I say first “date” because it’s not really their first. But whatever, I don’t want to get all worked up about that tonight.
What’s getting to me tonight is that…I should know. I should be there to hear about it. I should be the one who hears about all the excitement and how he held her hand and where they went. And so on and so forth.
I won’t hear about it.
I won’t know.
I’m not there.
Because she doesn’t want me there. She doesn’t want me to hear about it or know what goes on.
I long to be there. Long for it. Despite all that’s happened, despite all the pain, I can’t completely let go.
And she can. She has. At least she pretends like it, anyway.
I was walking to the car after a class…about to head home…and I just wanted to cry. I started praying and telling God that it hurt. Because I should be there. I should be there. That’s all I can think…I should be there.
I want to be there. But I can’t be. I can’t be somewhere that I’m not wanted, loved, accepted, needed, cared about, etc. I’ve tried, believe me, oh I’ve tried.
And you know what, even if it’s technically not even their first date, not even the fifth or sixth, I wanted to experience it with her. I wanted to help her figure out what to wear. I wanted to ‘demand’ that she take cute pictures and I wanted to check my phone every few minutes to see when she would call to tell me all about it.
I dreamed of this moment.
And nothing I dreamed of is coming true.
I don’t know if I believe in happy endings. Heaven is the best happy ending there is, so in that sense, happy endings do exist. But on earth? I don’t really know what I think anymore.
Life is not a fairy tale, I know that. If you still believe in Disney magic and all that stuff, then I’m sorry to burst your bubble. But you’re gonna realize some day, probably soon, that life is hard and life can really suck at times. Oh it can be great and fun; life has its moments. But it is not a fairy tale.
I want that happy ending. I want it so badly. I’m looking for it but all I see is the here and now. When I try to look ahead, all I can see is more of this. More of the sadness and the loneliness. More of the will-she-ever-love-me-again-and-how-could-I-believe-her-if-she-changes stuff.
That’s scary, too…because what if she does change her mind (again)? What if she decides ‘oops, I messed up! I never stopped loving you and I want you back in my life.’ What if is a scary game to play…but what if? Would I take her back? I think I would…
But I don’t know.
Because of her (not all her, but mainly her), I can’t love right anymore. I don’t love people like crazy. I can’t. I don’t trust people anymore. Best friends aren’t real. Maybe they are for you, but they aren’t for me. I don’t love myself like I used to, either. I still think I’m worth being friends with…but I don’t believe I’m ‘good enough’ to be best friends with; ‘good enough’ to like.
Wow. That’s definitely scary to say and put out there. But I won’t erase it. I’ll just move on to the next sentence.
And please don’t feel the need to leave comments saying, “You’re so worth it…etc etc etc.” I know God thinks I’m worth it. But I don’t believe any human will think that about me again. Those that did gave up on me. Decided I wasn’t worth it. Moved on.
And truthfully? I wouldn’t believe you. So you don’t have to leave the comments.
Speaking of God in all this, I want you to know He never left me. He’s here with me now and He was there with me then. He never left my side and I would NOT have made it if it wasn’t for Him. Please don’t think, even for a second, I got through it on my own. Or that I’m somehow strong enough to keep going. He’s the One getting me through. He’s enough for me. I’m okay without all them. It may not seem like it, but I am. I know I can live through my worst nightmare. Because He’s enough.
I just can’t stop wishing I was enough for her.