Quite honestly, I don’t feel home.
A home is where you feel most yourself, where you feel safe, where you can come in, kick off your shoes, and relax.
I don’t feel like I’m home. At all. I feel on my guard, pressured, busy, and watched.
Truth be told, I probably won’t feel “home” until I’m in Alabama for college. Though I’m still not sure that’s where I will go, it seems like that’s where I’m being put, per se. That may not be a fair statement, because my parents have asked if I want to go anywhere else (and I’ve said I don’t know), but still. I feel…conflicted.
I do know this, though: my home is not here. Not in this house, this city, or this church.
I’m ready for new. I want change. I’m ready to meet new people and decorate a dorm. I know college will be crazy busy with school, but I’m okay with that.
But it will be very hard leaving some people behind, knowing that I won’t see them for months. Almost everyone in the 2011 class is planning to stay in Florida. I’m one of the few who want to leave, and that has made me question in the past if maybe I should just give in and stay. It could be easier. I could still make new friendships and learn and grow. And, heck, it sure would be cheaper to stay in-state. But I really don’t feel like I’m supposed to stay here. Not sure where to go, but knowing I must go somewhere to find “home” is strange. Because I could totally end up back here after college.
I have a good church and I do like this city, but for four years…I need a change. Now, of course, when the time comes for that I’ll probably be scared. And I’m certainly not wishing away the days, because I know they’ll come soon enough. But for now, Alabama sounds more like home than my actual home.
And I’m not sure if that’s good or bad.