Money money money money…money

To the Apprentice tune, of course. That’s one of the first things I think of when I think of ‘money.’

What do I feel, though? Not really shame or anxiety. Though, let’s be real here, sometimes it does worry me.

Mainly I feel guilt.

Over money? Yes, over money. Not even my money. See that’s the thing, if it was all my money then it wouldn’t be such a big deal to me.

But it’s not my money.

The money belongs to my parents.

Money that I know we really don’t have.

But they don’t complain. They’ve never attempted to make me feel guilty. They haven’t complained about the cost or the pressure I know they’re now under.

They’ve acted in silence and nothing could have been so powerful.

See, brain surgery costs a lot of money. That’s common knowledge. A hospital stay and time in the ICU, and then adding on multiple tests (MRIs etc) costs money. A lot of money.

I’ve never really talked about it, because I don’t want to whine or sound ridiculous. But we aren’t rich. We’re rich in other things, but not exactly in money. And with all that’s happened and is going to happen this year, I’ve been feeling the guilt.

Brain surgery
A car for me (yet to be found, but I’ve got to have a car for Alabama)
A computer (for college)
All my college dorm room stuff
Warm clothes, because I own none (again, for college)

Oh, and this little inexpensive thing called College.

All of that is for me. Add it up and it’s an outrageous amount of money. It’s not that we’re poor or that we don’t make enough…but it seems like we’re being hit with all this in a 14 month period. None of it can really be forgotten. I can’t go to Alabama without paying for college, without warm clothing, without a car, without anything for my room, and without a computer. We can’t not pay the hospital bills.

This is where the guilt sets in.

God knows me so well though. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve thanked Him that it was a brain tumor. It sounds crazy, I know. Trust me, I know.

Who in their right mind thanks God for a brain tumor??

It’s just who I am, though. No…not someone who goes around thanking God for hard things. I’m not that spiritual. :) However, I am a person who thanks God for a brain tumor that she had no control over.

Can you imagine the guilt I would feel if I had been able to prevent it all? If it had been a broken leg from tripping down the stairs that some how required surgery (that cost the same as brain surgery). Or anything that could have been prevented. Anything I had control over.

I don’t think I’ve ever been so full of gratefulness over having absolutly no control in something. It wasn’t my fault; there was nothing I could have done.

I know this is a bit of a sloppy and random post. It probably doesn’t make much sense, and I don’t want to read it back over to edit it. I just want to hit Publish Post and get my thoughts out there, whether anyone is reading them or not. Not so that anyone can “share my guilt” or “feel sorry” for me…but so that I can feel that I got this off my chest.

There was nothing I could have done, so I don’t need to feel guilty for all the money being spent. I have to realize that in the end, it wasn’t my fault and somehow, some way, God will provide.

This post has been on my heart for a while now, and I went shopping with mom tonight for warm clothes for college. We were getting about $300 worth of stuff – tons of sweaters etc and a pair of boots. And it ended up costing about $70 because of sales and discounts (coupons). I love when God seems to show up, point his finger at me, and say, “Hmm…didn’t I tell you to trust? Didn’t I say I would provide? Ha. When will you just let it all go?”

Sometimes silence speaks louder than words, like how my parents have never once made me feel guilty for the cost of brain surgery and the hospital stay. I’m so thankful for that. I can tell they made a consious effort and decided to remain completely quiet. Silence speaks louder. Silence can speak love.

But then there are times when I need God to show up and speak in a way that I notice. I can notice His love in the little things, but sometimes I want something that’s big. Well, big to me.

So what’s more important? Showing love in silence or in words?