I know what to expect. I know how to put on the gown, look the other way when the needles come out and go into my arm, lay down on the table and control my breathing so I don’t panic as I slide into the machine. I’m slowly becoming a pro at ignoring the obnoxious beeping as the scanner goes all around my head for a straight hour. I’ve gone through the entire process multiple times. I know what to expect and nothing about it worries me.
But the truth is that I’m not fine. I’m not perfectly okay and I haven’t really said a word about it to anyone. This is the first time…I’m not fine. If I had gone to my appointment a few weeks ago I could have said those words and not felt too guilty about lying. It wasn’t bad then. But we had to cancel and now the appointment is tomorrow…and things have happened in these few weeks that make the words “I’m fine” a lie. I don’t want to lie, but I don’t want any more tests.
I want to come home and show up at 4:30 Saturday morning ready to leave for Panama. I want to experience a different culture, love on the people there, and share my Jesus with them. I want this trip to wreck me. But to do that I have to go on the trip, not stay home for some tests. I need wisdom in what to say tomorrow, so if you would please pray and/or ask people to also pray for wisdom, I would be so grateful.