I struggled with the words tonight, unsure of whether I should enter back into this place quite yet. My heart is flip-flopping and my stomach is tight. I’m begging God for His wisdom in my words, in this and many other things. I had a small panic attack the other day (most likely related to a quick change in brain pressure – everything is good now!) and even that is weird to write on here. It feels more real when it’s in black and white. More weak and tired. But I’m here. In all the ordinary. It’s a mess of words and tonight it’s really just for me, a reminder that He can use the ordinary. I’ve laced the lines with prayer and am trusting Him to use the few minutes and the raw words that come with Five Minute Fridays.
It’s ritual, habitual this every day life.
The ins and outs of the day-to-day seem boring, unattractive even. There are highlights and shining moments and gloriously beautiful days when the sun shines bright but the air is cool, scarf season begins and it’s the absolute perfect day for popsicles and a walk in the park.
It’s almost magical, really, the little joys that stand out when you begin to look for them. I’m certain my eyes light up and get big when they’re opened to the joys all around me…because how do I forget so many days to count, to recognize and acknowledge the joy He has set before me even in the rustle of wind and the drip-drop of popsicle running down my fingers?
All of it is a gift when I’m looking around.
But when I look elsewhere, down, maybe inside..
There doesn’t seem to be magic anywhere close by, and none of it in me. There are holes and gaps far wide and scars that bare the stories. There are questions that keep knocking and hopes that exist in silence. There are cries for wisdom in the night and prayers for nearness in the morning.
I’m all out of amazing and chock full of ordinary.
I am empty of the pretty things and numb to the words that normally fly right out. It’s two steps forward and one step back and man, I just want to keep walking without having to stop and look behind.
But doors knock and phones buzz and the past lingers as we all keep on walking.
And it’s all so ordinary, isn’t it, this messed up world. We make mistakes and step on toes and say “I’m sorry’s” but it all just keeps right on spinning.
I don’t know which way is up when I’m turning crazy and I don’t know that half of what I’m doing will matter in the long run, but I do know What is sure.
This jumbled mess of ordinary is a masterpiece of amazing beauty as He molds and mends and loves real hard all the gaps closed and the scars healed.