UPDATED to add: The official book page is , if you’d like to visit, learn more, and download a few printables!

For the past several months, I’ve scribbled and edited and written this blog post in my head. I’ve imagined it beginning several ways but although every draft stored in my head is all right, nothing feels just right. There are so many things to say, but it comes down to this:

I wrote a book.


Are you freaking out? Because I am freaking out. I’m pretty sure I could scream and/or pee my pants at any given moment.

In just a few months, Even If Not: Living, Loving, and Learning in the in Between will be available for purchase. No big deal.

Will you trust God in the ampersand and the in between of your story?

I never, ever set out to write this book. It is, after all, several different chapters from my story — and not just the pretty parts. Sometimes the in between is just messy, y’all.

For years I’ve wanted to write a book but never once did I want to write one that tells of my messiest messes, my darkest seasons and broken spaces, but wouldn’t you know that’s exactly what He said to write? And it figures, doesn’t it, because every in between is just another page in the story He’s given me to live and to tell and all along the way, He is so very good. For several years I’ve been saying that in the middle of your mess He is writing your message, and all these tests you’re going through are becoming your testimony…

Turns out that’s true. And in just a few months, you’ll be able to hold my story in your hands.

It is my prayer that will be a kind companion to the one walking through the in between. The truth is, though, that we’re all living in the ampersand, smack in the middle of the story He’s writing with our days. Our lives are the stories and although we are part of the Kingdom, today we find our feet planted on earth, and so when life isn’t sunshine and roses, what will we say of the God who holds the pen?

If we believe that God could come through, and He can, and if we believe that He hears our prayers and knows our hearts, and He does, will we trust Him if His answer doesn’t look like ours and instead of saving the day, His plan is to draw us closer to Him in the midst of it all?

If we trust that God can save us, will we say He is still God and still good even if He does not?

Will you trust God in the ampersand and the in between of your story?

Will you trust God in the ampersand and the in between of your story?

He has given me opportunity after opportunity to practice saying these words. I’ve had brain surgery, been flat-out broken by community, journeyed to Haiti and come back with one thousand questions, and I’m currently living in a season that, while good, is not at all what I expected or imagined.

God doesn’t always answer our prayers how we ask. He doesn’t provide the answers to all of our questions and sometimes life plain breaks apart. There are hard seasons and sick seasons and dark seasons. I know it; I have lived them. But in every season, in every ampersand and in between, God has been there. Sometimes quiet, sometimes loud, but always He has been faithful and present.

When June rolled into July and life still wasn’t looking like what I had anticipated, He tapped me on the shoulder and said it as clear as day: Will you still trust Me? Will you love Me in this season, too?

All I could offer were the three little words at the end of the sentence I’ve come to know by heart: I know that You could come through how I’m asking You to, but I will love You just the same even if not.

And then He tapped me on the shoulder again and said, “Good. Now write a book about that.”

So. After all the hemming and hawing and “really, are you sure? like totally sure? as in, 250% sure?” I sat down on August 19th and began a book.

On October 19, smack in between (because of course) all the 31 days of Three Little Words posts, I wrote about choosing to say “even if not.” I just didn’t, you know, tell you I was writing A WHOLE BOOK about it. And would now be a good time to mention part of that October 19th post is from the introduction of the book? Oh. Yep.

I took a few weeks off in the middle of all the writing to be fully present with my people, but 73 days after saying yes, I finished the final edits, smiled like a goof, and then cried because, well, I’m me.

And because I wrote a book.

Even If Not by Kaitlyn Bouchillon is a great new read!

God gave me the words, I simply wrote them. It may be my story, but it’s the one He gave me to live and so this book? It is not about me or my glory. It is ultimately for God, but hear me say it: this book is for you, the one walking through the in between.

I pinky promise to keep you updated now that the secret is finally out (#praise).

*On Wednesday I’ll be opening up the launch team application form and no, you totally do not have to have a blog to be on the team!*

Just for full disclosure – I am self-publishing this book for several reasons, the most important of which being this: God has very clearly shown me that this book is for such a time as now. And so it’s going to look a bit different than a regular book launch because I don’t have a publisher or a team backing me up, doing design work, or spreading the news. But I’ve got my real life people and I’ve got y’all and if it only reaches 5 people, I will be okay because I will have done what He said. That will be more than enough.

Add Even If Not to your GoodReads list!

I’ll be back on Wednesday to invite you to join the launch team, and as always you can stay up to date by joining me on any of my social media channels (Insta is my fave and is where I’ve been sharing all the secret book stuff – except no one knew it because I am very sly). But now that the manuscript is done and 31 days is over, I am going to crawl in the corner and be very, very quiet for just a little while.

Thank you and amen.

(I love y’all. Thank you, thank you, thank you for being encouraging and supportive and all around just the best people on the Internet. xoxo)

UPDATED to add: The official book page is , if you’d like to visit, learn more, and download a few printables!