The truth of it all is this: writing used to come as naturally to me as breathing. I would open a notebook to a fresh page or start a new blog post, only to finish it in half an hour.
Here’s my right-now truth: a few months ago, writing became hard for me. This is totally new territory.
Honestly, I’d rather not talk about it and I’d definitely prefer not to write about it.
I love it just as much. Words run like blood through my veins and I often find myself thinking in blog posts. In fact, the Notes section on my phone has more blog post ideas than it ever has before. And yet… I spilled all my words out in a book and a 31 day blog series and the well has run dry.
I want to write. But instead of starting a new blog post or putting words to the ideas I’ve jotted down on scraps of paper, I often find myself opening a new tab and scrolling through Facebook updates. I look at Instagram photos and I meet a friend for coffee and I work hard as a Virtual Assistant. I’m making to-do lists and crossing things off because there are all these things that simply need to happen.
I’ve become a casual observer and a hard worker rolled into one, but inside I know something in me is slightly off, just a bit out of sorts.
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I start to think that I am an iceberg.
There’s all this work being done beneath the surface but not a lot to be shown.
He will give the words in time. But for now, I sit. And I trust that He is working even when I can’t see.
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I am writing in the margins. And there’s something undeniably beautiful about it, absolutely. But behind the undeniable beauty, there’s the honest truth that I ran out of words at the worst possible time — book release “season” — and they haven’t fully come back yet.
I’ve always been amazed at the sheer volume of how much authors blog and podcast and social media all the things in the months leading up to a book release. What I never pieced together is that, in most cases, there is a good, long stretch of several months in between the writing, the editing, and the craziness of the words being bound up and in the hands of other humans. There is time to pause. To refresh. To breathe. For many, it’s a three year process from beginning to end. For me, it was six months.
Honest to goodness, I thought something was wrong with me when the words got all stopped up. I wanted to keep writing, longed to keep writing, and yet I felt like there was nothing left to say. It seemed like I had already said it all.
In 73 days I wrote 37 blog posts and also, uh, I wrote an entire book. Not one day went by that didn’t include some sort of writing/publishing/formatting/release detail-making. There wasn’t “down time” or even a moment to reflect, pause, or hush.
I knew I needed to fill back up but I also knew the past few months would be the absolute worst time to go quiet. I’ve tried to find some sort of balance, some version of an in between, but I feel Him calling me into the quiet and the wilderness and I know better than to turn the other way now.
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No one is paying me to write. No one is standing over my shoulder making sure that another post goes out or that I write and write and backspace and then keep writing instead of hitting save and waiting for another day.
No one will notice if I pause or push through.
But my soul will know the difference. I know deep inside that obedience will look like both of these paths, depending on the day, likely changing back and forth and back again.
I resolve to write only when He gives words.
I resolve to remain quiet when the words don’t come.
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Today I packed my computer bag up and went to Starbucks – not because it was in the budget or the plan, but because I needed to stick my butt in a chair, open up a new tab, and write something for myself. Not about the book, not for a VA client, not for you, the ones who have so kindly put up with my “show up to the blog every now and then” attitude the past few months… I showed up because today, for me, that’s what brave looks like.
Brave is showing up and trusting that He will provide the words needed, while being okay if what is most needed it quiet.
The coffee shop is slowly emptying, the sun has set, but I’m still here.
Because when I write, I feel something inside me come alive.
Because when I put words to emotions and thoughts, I understand myself better.
Because when I write, I am leaning into my calling.
I hope the words come back and spill out naturally, like they did before. I believe with all my heart that some day they will return in full force. But I’m finding God here, too. In the quiet. In the silence. In the hush and the hustle and the in between of it all. Somehow He manages to show up on every page. I know He isn’t done writing… so I’ll keep writing, too.
There’s something so very startling and beautiful in looking at the empty seat across from me and whispering, “Okay, Jesus. I showed up and I know You will too. I’m here, I’m listening, I’m ready. Do Your thing in me.”
The words from the final section of this blog post were written weeks ago and shared on my Facebook page, but they still ring true as I finish out this post sitting at a little table in Starbucks, yet again.
Bless you Kaitlyn. From one writer to another, I am lifting you up in my prayers. I pray that you may enjoy this time of rest and listening – that you will clearly Him and be filled all the good that He gives.
Thank you for your prayers!
Yes! I totally get the feeling, Kaitlyn. Been there. Walked through that. Still walk through it periodically. God is still faithful even when it feels like the well is dry.
ok so I have never wrote a book or been as busy mentally with everything you have had to do but I am in the same spot. Sometimes I wonder if God wants me to continue. Sometimes I afraid of writing something out that is not good in fear that people will forget. But as you said, I believe God will show me what I need to write when He wants me to. It is all in His hands. your neighbor on coffee for your heart
Kristina recently posted…Five Minute Friday- Grow- Growing Hurts
Was right there in this place recently! The Lord brought me through it and used the “not speaking unless He gives the words” to teach me much. Praying for you in this time and grateful for the wisdom you’ve shared!
And today, Kaitlyn, I salute you for showing up, for doing the brave thing in front of you. Today just happens to be the day I found your blog and I’m happy that you’re still here. :-)
Blessings!
Marva | sunSPARKLEshine recently posted…6 Ways to Boost Your Health for Exhausted Mamas
Well thank you! And welcome! :)
I love this! I recently went through a time like this when I just couldn’t write. But now I’m back at it with a fresh start and a new blog. I realized that I needed to re-focus myself and my writing.
Hannah @Sunshine and Spoons recently posted…When You Just Want To Know WHY
I’m right there with you, the words coming slowly, the readers confused, me inconsistent. But your soul is truly so much more important. Enjoy a little rest; you’ve earned it!
Kaitlyn, What a poignantly heartfelt post. Your desire to obey the Lord and to wait upon Him was so evident throughout.
I do not have the gift for writing. I’m always surprised when people tell me I am an “eloquent” writer because I just don’t see it. But what I do know is that every blog post I write, I owe all to the Lord, as He is the only reason someone could see me as “eloquent”.
I also struggle with the fact that I literally “fight my way through blog posts”. They just don’t flow naturally at all. I am in a total dependence on the Lord week to week for my posts. I often think about do I want to keep writing a blog and whenever those thoughts come, inevitably someone reaches out to me to comment and say how the Lord used the post which encourages me to keep on.
All Glory to God for how He uses all of us in the blogging community to share what’s on our hearts and how the Lord is working in our lives.
Blessings to you.
It’s so sweet and amazing of Him how encouraging words can come at the exact perfect time.
Awe Kaitlyn,
What beautiful, honest words. Most of the time, the waiting time is the most difficult. It is the season where all of the growing that cannot be seen happens.
We feel unfruitful because we are not producing. Just like the plants we plant in the Spring – we do not see the flowers or the fruit right away, yet a work is still happening within the plants. We are so grateful for that work when harvest comes, the fruit and vegetables are dripping off the strong green vines and our flowers are in full bloom.
Harvest time will come again!
Thank you for being genuine and transparent, Kaitlyn! This inspired me today. After releasing three books (and getting engaged!) in the last year, I think I’m in more of a story-living time than a story-writing one. After all, I get to marry my Favorite in a month! So thank you for sharing this today. <3
I appreciate this comment.. and your email!
Ah friend, I know these feelings. Even though my little self-published work a few years ago could not have compared to what you went through with your book, my words seemed to dry up then as well. I am thankful you are taking this time to rest, for you poured out so very much. God will give you the words again. Continue writing in the margins and let Him speak to your heart in the secret place. He will allow that well to overflow again.
<3 :)
Dear Kaitlyn,
I’ve gone through this too. I agree with you that there are seasons when God’s work goes underground and it’s time for us to hush, and write privately if we write at all. To speak life over coffee instead of writing. It’s hard for a writer’s soul when the words hush and writing becomes so hard. I know you’ll get through this season and that it will do you good. I used to writhe in seasons like this. Now I still. I know that even though I can’t see what the Spirit is doing deep in the roots of my soul, I know that He is working and that when spring comes I’ll burst into bloom with fresh life and with fresh words.