This entire week I’m voicing my biggest fears. My top five. Today is Day Two. Yesterday I admitted that I’m terrified of love. Loving people AND being loved. Both scare me big time, and I’m more afraid of them than I’d honestly like to admit. Todays fear isn’t as big, but it’s in my top five…so you know it’s still really big to me. Does it hound me each day? No. Should it? Probably. That’s part of the fear itself.
Don’t laugh, but I’m really not very spiritual.
I love God and I want to live my life for Him. He’s my very best friend. But I don’t spend much time with Him, in all honesty.
I know all ABOUT Him, but I don’t spend much time knowing HIM on a day-to-day basis.
My fear is quite simple, really.
I’m afraid that if I don’t make the time for Him now, I won’t make the time for Him in college.
Because, really, what’s going to change?? I’m going to suddenly “have time” for Him? I’ll find a church that helps me grow? I’ll get a devotional that challenges me and makes me think?
No! And I know that.
If I don’t have time now, I won’t have time then.
If I don’t find a church that grows me in my faith, what makes me think I’ll find one there?
If I don’t have a devotional here, why would I have one there? You can buy the same devotionals all over the country.
College is not typically the time in life where you grow closer to God. It’s a partying time. Fun time. And for a few, buckle down and study your butt off to survive time.
I’m super busy here, I won’t be any less busy there. In fact, I know I’ll be even more busy. Have even less time to spend with Him.
If I don’t choose to pursue Him here, I won’t pursue Him anywhere else.
That really scares me, because I’m having such a hard time here. At home. Where it should be easiest.
But here I am, feeling like a child just dog-paddling to stay afloat. Doing the bare minimum to survive. Reading a little in the Bible each day, singing some worship songs, and going to church as always.
Hope was found when I was introduced to a different church a month ago. I really like it, and I’m finally learning and growing again.
But that church won’t be in Alabama.
College won’t make it easier to pursue Him. To really know Him.
And I’m afraid that if I don’t kick in and make the effort NOW, I most certainly won’t THEN.