There’s one question I never completely know how to answer properly: does it feel like it’s been a year?
Yes and no.
In some ways it feels like an eternity ago. Like it’s part of my past, my Story, and has been over for a good 10 to 15 years.
But part of me feels like it was only yesterday.
Only yesterday that I had brain surgery, though today marks one year.
A whole year has passed and I sit here thinking over what I’ve done. Have I made it count? Have I lived to the fullest? Have I laughed so hard that I began to cry, have I sat and comforted a friend, have I noticed the many little blessings, have I loved hard even when it was hard?
Today is an important day in my life. It always will be from here on out. I knew on this day one year ago that my life was about to change drastically. I would either wake up from surgery in Heaven or I would wake up in the ICU…about to spend my life fighting cancer or spend time in recovery and then be able to go home. And if I got to go home, then for the rest of my life it would be my responsibility to not take things for granted anymore. I knew I would notice the way little children dance and play, the color of the grass, all these little things that most never notice or appreciate…simply because I would still be here. Still be alive and breathing.
When I think back to that day I’m so grateful. I’m thankful for the brain tumor, as strange as that may sound. I’ll post why in the coming week. But needless to say, I’m grateful. The entire process, but those two weeks (one before surgery and one after) changed my life forever.
It seems like only yesterday…
Only yesterday that I would wake up sick and not know what was wrong with me. Only yesterday that I woke up on the ground outside the blood place after passing out cold. It was only yesterday that a doctor told me I was making it all up and I was stubbornly saying that no, something was wrong and I need you to figure out what it is. Just yesterday I was going in for my first of many MRIs. It was only yesterday that we got the call to come in as soon as possible.
It seems like only yesterday that my doctor sat down across from me, looked me in the eye, and told me I had a brain tumor.
Just yesterday I was telling my brothers the results and packing for the hospital. Only yesterday that I looked around my clean room (just in case) and wondered whether I would see it again. Only yesterday that I met my neurosurgeon. It was just yesterday that we spent two days at the beach with our family at family reunion, watched the fireworks, and I prayed that I would be around next 4th of July to see them again. It was only yesterday that my aunts and girl cousins gathered around the table after the fireworks to pray over me and my upcoming surgery.
It was only yesterday that I was hugging my brothers goodbye, piling in a quiet car with mom and dad, headed home to spend a night there before going to Miami.
It seems like only yesterday that I woke up really wondering where I would wake up the following morning, that I was hooked up to different monitors as our pastors came and prayed with and for me. Only yesterday that I laid down and was taken to surgery and then woke up in the ICU and heard the girl beside me having seizure after seizure while her mom cried for help. It was only yesterday that I next woke up to be wheeled to a new room.
Just yesterday I stood up for the first time in days and had to teach my legs and feet to walk one in front of the other again. It was only yesterday that I made a lap around the nurses station and then sat back down on the bed exhausted. It was only yesterday that I woke up in the middle of the night and fought with God to let me stay because my time wasn’t done yet, I hadn’t lived enough and done all that I needed to do.
It was only yesterday that I woke up on Earth with relief that He let me win the battle.
It was only yesterday that I made two laps around the entire floor and then came back to my room only to see all the smiles and hear the nurses congratulating me on walking so far all on my own.
It seems like only yesterday that I was being wheeled down the hall, going down the elevator, and helped into the car. It was just yesterday that we were headed home.
It’s all so fresh in my mind. I can see everything, every room, as if it were only yesterday.
I never want to forget. I never want to lose the memories. I never want to believe anything, any lie, that doesn’t proclaim that He healed me.
All glory goes to Him.
I’m thankful to be here. I thankful that it’s been a year. I’m thankful that I saw the fireworks two days ago. I’m thankful that He has given me this platform and that this is my Story.
It seems like it was only yesterday.