Today is my official real birthday. Opposed to my, you know, fake birthday. As if I had one. :)
Yesterday my small group leader asked, “So when is your real birthday?” And someone standing near by said, “Wait, how can you have a fake birthday?” So of course that led me to wonder what exactly a fake birthday would be. But I’ve stopped that train of thought because, frankly, I don’t care what a fake birthday is. I just know my real birthday is today and I’m choosing to some how celebrate it.
That probably sounds ridiculous. Actually, I know it sounds strange…but it makes perfect sense to me. Really, it does.
See, last year my birthday fell (how do birthdays fall? Anybody know how that saying came to be?) on a Sunday. So the whole weekend I had stuff going on. It was a busy weekend, but those were two of the best days of my life. I hung out a bunch with friends all day both days, I went to a great concert Saturday night, and then my best friend slept over for the first time Saturday. It meant the world to me. I had an amazing night hanging out with her. I felt so loved that weekend. We went to church Sunday morning and then hung out at church the rest of the day, until about 7 or 8 ish at night. We had practices at church all day for the Christmas production my church does. My family picked me up, we went to dinner, and all of a sudden my best friend and another close girlfriend came running into the restaurant yelling “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!” and carrying gifts and balloons. Balloons that sing when they’re touched.
For goodness sakes. If you ever want to get someone back for something mean, give them a singing balloon. Everything makes it go off. But I loved it :D They had a tiara and a sash for me, and I felt loved.
I was surprised that they had surprised me haha! They (and my mom) had been acting so strange… But I figured nothing was up since I’d had such a full, amazing weekend already. Psych.
Ahh…two of the best days of my life. Which brings us to this birthday. I can’t wait for this day to be over. Hopefully then the memories of last year’s birthday will stop haunting me.
What’s so different about this year than last year? Well, this year that best friend I had can’t stand me (so it seems). The friends that were brothers and sisters to me for years have left me behind. It’s been almost 6 months since I lost them all. This year there isn’t really anyone to celebrate with. It’s not even a year worth celebrating, since it’s been the worst one of my life. By far.
So I’ve decided that I can either wallow in that sadness, self-pity, and loneliness….or I can celebrate that that year is now OVER.
It’s gone, done with, and in the past. Today marks the beginning of a new year. A year that I’m choosing to believe will be so much better than last year.
Yes, today I’ve cried missing everything I had last year. I’ve desperately missed the feeling of love from last year’s birthday weekend. I don’t feel the love anymore. And I certainly didn’t feel it in the emptiness of today.
BUT.
That girl that was my dearest sister and best friend emailed me today. The email said two words: happy birthday.
And you know what? Those two words made my day better. They made me smile. Because for the past 6 months, we’ve been broken. We don’t speak, and there’s a whole lot of hurt there. God hasn’t brought healing between us, though I pray so so so often that He will. In His timing. And I choose to believe that He will. But today, she said two words to me. That’s the only nice thing she has said to me in months. Granted, I’ve said some nasty things to her in the past, too. But her saying two nice words after months of nastiness? That is reason to celebrate.
I don’t want to make it more than it is. I know that it is, after all, only two words. But I’ll take those two words and be thankful that she thought of me today. That she remembered my birthday, even though the rift between us seems insurmountable.
You know what though? Impossible is not a word. It truly isn’t. It’s just a reason not to try. So I’ll keep trying to be reconciled to her and the other people I called my sisters and brothers. I won’t give up. Satan will not have me down in the dumps all day, remembering all I’ve lost. He won’t.
Because today is a new day. I choose to celebrate that. I won’t celebrate my birthday, but I will gladly celebrate the end to a horrible year, and the beginning of a new year. A year that will hopefully bring God glory and praise. That is reason to celebrate!
New Day lyrics by Avalon
“Chorus”
It’s a new day
Oh, it’s a new time
And there’s a new way
I’m gonna live my life
All the old has, passed away
And the new has come
Thank God, It’s a brand new day
Verse 1:
Lookin’ back on yesterday
There are things that I regret
But I put the past behind me
And I never will forget
You have covered my mistakes
And my broken dreams
Now over the horizon
I see the dawn is drawing near
And I realize the sun did rise
Tomorrow’s finally here
(Chorus)
Verse 2:
Now when I wake up thinkin’
‘Bout the things I’ve done before
Memories I could not escape
Well they can’t haunt me anymore
Now I can hold my head up high
‘Cause I am not the same
You’ve changed my whole perspective
And with new eyes I see
I’ve become a new creation
‘Cause of what You’ve done for me
(Chorus)
Bridge:
‘Cause of what You’ve done for me
No, I am not ashamed
This heart of mine is finally free
I’ll never be the same
Go here to listen to the amazing song:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jAKfTRlnA0I
MY BOOK // Even If Not: Living, Loving, and Learning in the in Between
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