I’ve gone through many songs the past few days trying to figure out what song to post about today. When I say I have a humongous list of songs for future posts, I’m not lying.
(Not like I’ve written the posts yet. I’m not that forward-thinking.)
You Never Let Go by Matt Redman
Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death
Your perfect love is casting out fear
And even when I’m caught in the middle of the storms of this life
I won’t turn back
I know You are near
And I will fear no evil
For my God is with me
And if my God is with me
Whom then shall I fear?
Whom then shall I fear?
Chorus:
Oh no, You never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
Oh no, You never let go
In every high and every low
Oh no, You never let go
Lord, You never let go of me
And I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
A glorious light beyond all compare
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
We’ll live to know You here on the earth
Chorus
Yes, I can see a light that is coming for the heart that holds on
And there will be an end to these troubles
But until that day comes
Still I will praise You, still I will praise You
Chorus
Even when I have been in my darkest days, and even when I’ve begged God for my world to end, His love has remained constant. His love shines light in the darkness. It sounds silly and cliche, but it’s been true in my life. I went through the worst time of my life in 2009. I’m still in that time and in that huge storm, but I haven’t turned back. Why? Because He is with me. If He wasn’t, I would have turned back months ago.
God is with me, so what is there to fear? My worst fears came to life 7 months ago. What is there left to fear? I really am not sure. Oh, I could fear that divorce will come to my family, we’ll lose our house, or someone will get very sick. None of those are small things, I know. But for some reason, I just don’t fear them. If they happen, I know I can handle it. Like I said, what I feared the most, I’ve now lived through and continue to live in. If God can help me get through it (and He has!) then what do I have left to fear?
Of course, the song does say, “Whom then shall I fear” as well as “I will fear no evil.” I do not believe the people who left me are evil. I believe Satan is evil. But I do not fear him, because he is not in control. His future is black and dark and scary. I don’t envy or fear him. What I fear the most these days is that everyone is gone for good. That my attempts to be kind, cordial, and open to reconciliation will be met with coldness, rudeness, and mean words. That they are closed off and will never want to work things out. So I suppose I fear a possible situation, not an evil or a person, per se. Though they are obviously people and so it is fearing people, sorta.
He has never let go of me. I’ve felt, many times, that He was not there. That maybe I had wandered too far or He was “taking a break from me” etc. But, in actuality, He has never let go of me. In the calm times, and in the storms. Yes, the little storms AND the turbulent, scary, heartbreaking, big storms of life. He has rejoiced and celebrated with me in the highs, and He has comforted me and wept with me during the lows. He has been there. He is Faithful and He is Love. Love sticks around. Not the love of this world, as I learned 7 months ago. Not even the I’m-your-best-friend-and-sister-and-I-promise-I’ll-never-leave-because-no-one-could-ever-love-you-more-than-I-do kind of love.
That love can leave.
It left me.
But His Love has not ever left me. Not even for one second. Thank you, Lord. That Love was so strong for me that He willingly died in my place. Who else would have done that for me. No one else can love me like He does.
There is an end that is coming for those that believe. A glorious, love filled, amazing end. The troubles will be gone (Praise the Lord, I can NOT wait!) and there will be no more sadness or crying. No more lies, broken hearts, or empty promises. I can’t wait until Heaven.
But just like the song says, “But until that day comes, still I will praise You.” That’s something I’ve had to decide in my own heart and life. I had to choose whether I would still love and praise Him…even if He chooses not to heal these broken relationships and my hurting heart.
Yes.
I will continue to praise Him and love Him. No, I don’t imagine that it will always be easy. Of course there would probably be days where I would LONG for healing. Beg and plead for it. But if He chooses not to heal, He has a reason for it. A reason that I just cannot see now. And I will have to trust the heart of my Father Who loves and knows what’s best for me, even when I don’t know.
I’ve realized that I wail, beg, plead, and cry for healing and reconciliation. I hope beyond logic and the truth of my situation that He will bring us all closer than we were before. With human eyes, that would be impossible. And I’m not saying I have God eyes, because I don’t. But I’ve chosen to believe that He can do the impossible. He can do more than my wildest dreams. It says so in the Bible. It says that He can do more than all we ask or even imagine. And so I’ve imagined us closer than ever, and then asked Him to do that.
But here’s the thing. I realize that I wail and beg, plead and cry, for those things. But healing and reconciliation may not be best for me. I don’t see how, but the fact is, they somehow might not be best for me right now, or possibly ever. I believe I should still want those things, but I must realize, as I recently have, that I just might be praying for something that is not God’s best for me. And I want His best for me.
Which is partly why I sometimes pray, “Please heal this and bring her back, but whatever Your Will is, do that. Still, though, God, You know I’m begging for healing.”
Ultimately, I want whatever He wants for me. I just happen to LONG for His Will to include reconciliation and healing in every relationship.
But even if that is not His Will, I will still praise Him.
