Do you ever have all these wonderful ideas and plans and schedules? You know exactly what you want to do and say, but then life happens? Yeah, that was me this past weekend.
I had planned to write Sunday Song and then write the other post on Week One of Captivating. But…alas. It didn’t happen. Instead, life happened. Part of me feels that perhaps this is better…perhaps it’s better that life happened. And perhaps not. I really don’t know, and it’s not like any of that made sense.
Saturday I went in for work and it was a long work day. But I won two contests, so that’s good. :) Then I went home, cleaned up some, and headed out to a party. One of my friends is moving…not super far away, but still. I won’t see them as often. So they had a moving party…and I went. She invited me to spend the night and, let me tell you, I haven’t had a sleep over in, well, I’d say almost one year. I believe the last one I had was with the girl.
In May. Last year.
I kinda needed this and it was so much fun! We laughed until we cried. *happy sigh*
Sunday we went to church and then I had my Kids Camp and Jamaica meeting. Everyone going to either of those events (or both) had to be at the meeting.
And then we found out we had to do something called a Wire Testimony. Basically, we were each given a (pretty short) piece of wire, and we had to construct it into our testimony. For example, you could make a cross in the wire, symbolizing when you got saved, by forming part of the wire into the shape of a t. When things were rough in your life, you could make waves or mountains by bending the wire up and down. And so on and so forth.
I wasn’t prepared for this. I didn’t know what to say. I had to be honest; I wanted to be honest. But I couldn’t sit there explaining my wire and come to the end of it saying, “These mountains and valleys are for the ups and downs I’ve had this past year. My very best friend, my sister, left me. Then everyone else screwed me over. And I made some mistakes, too, but it still sucks and it broke my heart. They don’t love me at all, and I’m learning how to deal. Then this C is for….”
Uhm, no. Couldn’t do that.
So instead it went something like, “These mountains and valleys are for the ups and downs I’ve had this past year. A lot of things have changed for me this past year, and it’s been really hard. I’ve grown a lot, but it’s been rough. So that’s what that’s for. Then this C is for….”
…I could feel her eyes on me the whole time. Some people were still working on theirs, including E. But she stopped and watched me. I could see it out of the corner of my eye. My heart was pounding, my hands were shaking a little bit, and more than anything I just wanted to be strong and composed. Yet I wanted her, and only her, to see that I still hurt deeply. I wanted her to see that it’s not okay this way. We aren’t meant to treat each other like this.
She was watching me. I felt it to the core of my being. It felt so normal, but it felt so off.
Let me explain. Last year, she would have done the same thing. She would have watched me and listened closely, caring about what I had to say. It felt normal.
Now, she watched me, yes…but it was not the same. I truly feel that she was waiting to see what I would say about this past year. What I would say about her. What I would say about us…how I would explain it. It felt off.
…and then she went…
I watched her share her story, and I lived through the memories again. I was struck by how similar our stories are…and then I remember that we were sisters, so of course things would be similar. Of course we went through hard life changes together. Hard middle school days. Our youth pastor leaving. Her parents almost divorcing. I lived through all the memories again. I was there for those days, and I walked with her through them. Then she got to this past year. She also had mountains and valleys. She said something like, “These are for this past year. A bunch of stuff has changed and it’s been a rollercoaster ride. I like that word (rollercoaster). *smile* This F is for…”
And that’s so her. That response is just so her. The whole Wire Testimony was.
Oh how I love her. Oh how it hurt.
One of our leaders shared her Wire Testimony, and she had the letters BF as part of her story. This is basically what she said, “When I was in high school, I had a best friend. We were really close and we had many plans. We would be in each other’s weddings and so forth. Then it all fell apart. She backstabbed me and it broke my heart. It wasn’t until college until I made another best friend.”
her. her. her.
That’s all I could think the whole time. Well, that and “She’s thinking of me. I know she’s thinking of me right now. How could she not be?” It hurt.
Later, during the meeting, we were split up into two groups and she was at the other table. I looked over a few times and we were sitting the same way. Our bodies turned the same way, legs crossed, one hand under the chin.
We’re sisters. At least, we were. It hurt.
I drove home after the meeting. Thankfully, I was by myself. Tears filled my eyes as I made the drive home. How Great Is Our God came on the radio, and I sang as my eyes watered up. He is still good, but oh how it hurts. I prayed and cried out to Him.
I got home and cried some more. Prayed some more. Hurt some more.
It’s been a good weekend, but it’s been one where I’ve laughed and cried. One where I’ve hurt and cried. And that’s okay…truly, it is.
I am still just as hurt. But He is still just as good.