Last week I realized that I’ve been told to share something and haven’t done it.

Because of fear.

So I simply didn’t say anything on my blog for the entire week. I was too scared to say what I knew had to be said, but I knew ignoring it (as I’ve done for years now) and instead talking about random things would be wrong.

This entire week I’m sharing my top five biggest fears, leading up to my Really Big Fear. Because maybe if I share the smaller ones, though they’re ginormous to me, I’ll have the courage to share the big one that I’ve kept quiet for years.

And maybe, just maybe, by voicing my fears they won’t scare me anymore. Maybe they won’t have any power over me anymore.

Today is Day Three, so here we go.


What is the one question you’re asked the most in high school?

This isn’t a trick question, I promise. The answer is obvious.

“Do you know what you want to do?”

The conversation typically goes as such:

Older person: Do you know what you want to do? Where you want to go?

High schooler: Umm…not yet. Not really.

Older person: Well…do you know what you want to be?

High schooler: ….no. I haven’t figured that out yet.

Older person: Oh well that’s okay. You have time. You’ll figure it out, don’t worry.

And that last line? It’s typically said with a look of complete pity. As if what they’re really saying is more along the lines of: “You’ll figure it out. Some day. I hope. Because if you don’t, your life is gonna suck (except they wouldn’t use that word). I feel so sorry for you. Maybe you’ll get lucky and will realize what you want to do. And maybe you’ll be good at it. I hope. Good luck.”

It’s annoying, and you hear it SOOOO many times before you leave for college.

But I’ve never really had that exact problem.

I’ve known for years what I want to do. I just didn’t know where I was going to go.

I’ve known for a long time that I want to be a book editor. It’s my dream job. I’ve also known that I would go to college to study Journalism and Mass Communications.

Eventually I came to the place where I knew Samford was my future home. I knew that’s where I was meant to go.

But then the problem came. Of course, right? As soon as I answered the two big questions, a problem would arise to cause even more questioning.

How are we supposed to pay for this? How are my parents going to be able to afford for me to go to Samford?

A school in another state; far from home. You can look it up online, the school isn’t cheap. If I were to choose to stay in-state, I could get a Bright Futures scholarship. My tuition would basically be covered for.

I’m smart. I don’t say that to be cocky, but to explain that I’ve been relying on scholarships. My grades are so good that I figured I would get academic scholarships wherever I apply.

I thought that could carry me through.

Because one of my biggest fears is that we won’t be able to afford it. Me going to college will push my parents so into debt…if I don’t get scholarships.

I’ve talked about it before. We’ve had some, uh, unforeseen financial challenges this year. Brain surgery isn’t exactly cheap, and it certainly wasn’t planned for.

I don’t want to cause that stress on my parents. I don’t want to push them into debt. I don’t want worries about bills and tuition to weigh on their shoulders. They do so much for me, I want to do this for them.

I’m trying hard to earn different scholarships. I’m submitting essays, searching the internet for businesses that offer money to highschool students with good grades.

I’ve had all A’s and one B+ (including my college courses) my entire high school career. Someone give this girl some money, for crying out loud!! :)

Just this past Monday (Valentine’s Day) I got my first scholarship “win.” I heard back from Samford and I was given an academic scholarship. It will definitely help, but I still need the other 3/4 of tuition each year. I have to say, though…that’s the best Valentine’s Day gift I’ve ever been given. :D

I had just pulled into work when mom called and told me. I just looked up into the sky and thanked God for the best Valentine’s gift…because it’s such a weight lifted to know that I’m 1/4 of the way there. It’s a dent in the boulder.

Am I still scared that we won’t be able to pay for college? Am I worried I’ll have to quit and come back here to community school (there’s nothing wrong with that…it’s just not where I feel I’m supposed to go)?

Yes. I’m still scared and worried.

If I don’t earn scholarships, my parents will have to use their savings for college on me…and then there will be no savings left for my brothers. I’ve always known that I would have to get great grades to get scholarships so that the college savings could go to them. I’ve always been okay with that.

But now that I’m here and college bills are right in front of me? The pressure is weighing heavy, and I’m scared so bad that college will end up happening, but only because my parents would easily go into debt to give me the best future possible.

I’m scared. I’m just scared.

I’m hoping and praying that I can pay for this. That I can pay for this, not them.