One of my very biggest fears is that I won’t graduate this May.
I know, I should explain, like I have every other day this week that I’m talking about my biggest fears here. From Monday to Friday (tomorrow) I’m sharing my five biggest fears…so that hopefully when I share my Really Big Fear here tomorrow, I won’t be so nervous.
Because I think it’s possible that when fear is voiced, it no longer has such power over us.
So I’m voicing my fear.
And one of my biggest? Not graduating. But much more specifically, not graduating this May.
It sound silly, I know. Compare it with the fear of love, being loved and loving others, and suddenly this fear seems really small.
So what if I graduate next year?
So what if I’m a year behind?
So what if everyone leaves and I’m stuck here for another entire year?
But it’s not “so what?” to me. It’s incredibly important.
I’m smart, I’ve said that before. I know that if I were to live up to my full potential, I would graduate this May and go to Samford in the fall.
I’m already filling out rooming forms about Samford, for crying out loud! And here I am worrying about not graduating?!
It sounds so silly. I know it does. Because never did I think I would be in this position.
I purposely took college classes so that I wouldn’t be in this place. I did extra work, took a ton of extra classes.
I have around 20 credit hours towards college, already done and over with.
So I thought.
Someone forgot to tell me that the work I was doing for college?…IT. WOULDN’T. ALL. COUNT.
Wasted time. Wasted money. Working extra hard, and for what?
Samford is going to take some of my credits, but they can’t take some of them. It looks like they’re only going to take about half. The other half? Basically down the drain.
Sounds bad enough, right? Wrong.
To graduate this May, I have a lot left to do.
My list to be completed:
TWO entire years of math
One full year of Bible
Four things, but so much. Did you catch the two years of math? My very worst subject? TWO. two two two. And it’s February, are you aware? Three months to complete two years? Insane. Impossible. So much pressure.
Back in January I also had American Government Honors and Home Economics, but I worked really hard this past month and finished both of those up. Right now I’m working (really) hard on the first year of math and then on health.
As of tonight I have them both almost half way done. In the past three weeks I’ve done six weeks of health and twelve weeks of math. Caught that? Twelve weeks of math in three weeks time.
I don’t know how I’m doing it, but I am. I’m desperate.
Math has always been like a foreign language to me. I took Algebra 1 in 9th grade, and didn’t understand a bit of it. I had to start over with a different textbook in 10th grade (putting me one year behind) and it took me a year and a half to understand and finish that.
If you’re doing the math (ha..), that means I finished Algebra 1 right before 11th grade. I did Algebra 2 in 11th grade (last year)…but that still leaves me with 2 years.
I’m doing my best. I feel like I have no time left in my life for anything but school and scholarship stuff and work. But I’m trying to fit it all in…in time.
It probably doesn’t seem like a big deal to some to graduate late. If that works for you, then great! I have nothing against it…except that I know it isn’t for me.
I can do this. I’m capable. I don’t want to settle when I know I can do better, be better.
I don’t want to be left behind. And even more? I don’t think I could take being here another year. I need to go, be on my own, and simply get away from situations here that don’t look like they will ever change. I’m ready to go. I know when that day comes I’ll be a complete mess. But I know I’m ready.
If I can just graduate.