Even when the rain falls
Even when the flood starts rising
Even when the storm comes
I am washed by the water
I can’t draw a full breath.
I’m living on stale oxygen, sucking in air before I go under again.
I’ve been drowning. Rain has fallen so hard and for so long that I’m flat worn out from dog-paddling. I’ve swallowed salt water from my own tears and have cried out for mercy, for a lifeline, for someone to hear the desperate pleas.
They’ve been muffled by the sound of the waves and I sink further, lower, deeper.
I write about belonging and the truth is, I didn’t write it for anyone but myself.
Because I feel like I don’t. And so I write what I would want to hear, what I need to hear, and I tell myself that if the lies are gonna pour down then the Truth is gonna have to rain down, too.
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Darkness has come and attacked. The winds are mighty and strong. I long for quiet and rest but they push me down and under and I am tossing, turning, churning.
He knows it because I’ve told Him so – If life is a flower bed then the truth is I love the gardner but I don’t always love the garden.
I’m bent over with petals flat on the ground as the gardening hose drenches day after day and I am a sopping wet mess.
But the roots are growing deeper. The darkness hasn’t disappeared and the water is still pouring but I see the sun peaking out.
I will bloom where I am planted and the rain will strengthen the roots.
Sometimes you hit publish when the words don’t make any sense at all. This is one of those times, and truly all I can ask for is grace. Grace for the messy, grace for the true, and grace for the fact that although everything is fine – I am not. I’m learning daily – sometimes hourly – how to combat the darkness and I although I don’t have the answers, I do know the Answer. So I dig in and of this I am sure: His Word is a life preserver.
We gather. Fast and in five minutes, with sisters and lots of delicious. Every Friday the prompt goes up at Lisa-Jo Baker’s and #fmfparty slows down. We write. We breathe out our hearts, sharing the hurts and the joys and splitting hearts and words wide open.