*Tonight Isaiah 25:1 has been my reminder – “O Lord, you are my God; I will exalt you and praise your name, for in perfect faithfulness you have done marvelous things, things planned long ago.”
There are only 12 minutes left before I re-enter the worst day of my life. Come tomorrow it will be two years since our fight. We rarely rarely fought, though we argued and disagreed about many things. Fighting? No.
Two years ago we said nasty words and I lost my other half. I lost my sister and my very best friend. I lost the other part of me, the girl who will forever hold a huge piece of my heart.
There are only a few minutes before I live through those 24 hours once again. Looking at the clock over and over, unable to NOT think back to what exactly I was doing, feeling, thinking during those 24 hours.
I have grown up since then. I have learned and I have tried my best to continue living, really living. But there is a hole inside of me and it goes deep down to a void that no one seems able to fill again. I lost my love and in doing so I lost love.
Love, no. Not Love. But earthly love, yes.
I rarely talk about her here on my blog anymore (this was not on purpose, but just something that happened as I gradually got stronger). In fact I barely talk about any of them here. Over time part of my heart has moved on. How could it not, when the other option was to stay full inside hope and this-will-change land…leaving me in pain and scarring and unloveable territory.
Part of my heart has moved on.
The other part is still there waiting, hoping, unable to draw a breath on some days when the pain of memories and what-ifs and how-could-this-be-our-futures suffocate me. I remember them, her, see the faces in the halls and my heart catches in my throat as I try to smile in a friendly way, while inside my heart is struggling to continue a regular pattern of beating after just seeing the ones who hold the long-lost pieces of my shattered heart.
I have broken. Two years of broken lives, broken dreams, broken promises, broken love, broken hope, broken hearts.
I will live the pain for a full 24 hours. I do not know yet how not to, for it has only been two years.
How can you learn to breathe again when half of your heart is not missing, but is simply lost within broken love for a love-lost sister who is never coming back?
How do you breathe?