*Reader’s note: Umm, hi friends. I’m actually so nervous to publish this. The words feel raw and exposed and so very much “in process.” That makes sense because the truth is, this is only half of the story, a few pages of the chapter, the questions without the answers. I’m living a different dream and I love this life, but I wanted to give “air time” to the in between and the truth of the pages that don’t read quite how we expected.
If you’re walking that part of your story right now, I just want to say to you that God is there. With you. Look before you, He is making a way. Look behind you, He has been there the whole time. Look to your right and to your left, He is with you. He is dreaming for you and His dreams, while different than your own, will be better. It’s okay to be scared. But don’t let it keep you from jumping. It may not look like what you pictured, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t good.
This isn’t where I thought I would be. The way I imagined this chapter playing out isn’t what reality looks like today.
Before I go any further, I should preface by saying all is well and I (truly) love what I’m doing. I’m so confident this is God’s plan. But I don’t want to skip over the part we could lovingly call Unmet Dreams or perhaps Silence And Confusion or even, if we’re being real honest, What Does This Mean About Who I Am?
So. Let’s talk about that. I believe that too often we go straight from talking about “God will make a way” to “Look how this turned out! Yay! Life is grand!” and we give no attention to the in between, the unknown, the pages turned that weren’t what we imagined.
It’s like reading a book, turning the page, and being smacked right in the face with something you never saw coming. It’s like watching every episode of Grey’s Anatomy and then suddenly Derek dies. (I’m not bitter or anything.)
The truth is, I’ve pictured post-grad life at least ten different ways but none of them ended up being my reality.
Because every single one of those imaginings included one of two things: a “real” job or a boy. While I would say that I do have a real job, when I tell people I’m self-employed right out of college, well, their reaction says otherwise. To the world, I have neither a real job nor do I have a boy in my life.
Please hear me say it: I’m okay with that. But it isn’t how I pictured things playing out.
And that’s the rub. That’s where it gets tricky. I could try to twist and turn what is into what I thought would be, but it would just be like trying to make 2 +5 equal 4. It isn’t going to happen because that’s not how it works.
Some days – most days – I’m so okay it isn’t even funny. I don’t think about what “isn’t” and I don’t worry about what people might be thinking. But there’s truth in the statement that I’m wrestling. I’m asking some questions of myself and placing them in His lap. I’m not questioning Him, but I’m speaking the questions in His presence. He already knows my heart and so why hide the wonderings.
Because here’s the thing. 2+5 doesn’t equal 4 but 2+2 sure does. For as far back as I can remember, the world has given me the message that if you do the right stuff and have an impressive resume, you’ll finish college and go straight to a full-time gig. It may be bottom level and you’ll have to work your way up, but your hard work will pay off in the form of that elusive three letter word: job.
Except that didn’t happen for me.
I worked hard in high school and even harder in college. I met the right people, did the right things, was involved in the impressive stuff that employers look for. My resume is full and I assumed that because I did the work, I would get the payoff in the form of a job.
Oh, I knew that God would have to open doors but I was so sure they would swing right open. Because 2+2 equals 4.
But I kept knocking and there was no answer. The doors remained shut. The applications were received but interviews weren’t scheduled.
Most don’t even know this, but before knocking on doors or filling out job applications, I took a leap of faith and applied to seminary.
I got in.
And then the same One who told me to fill out those papers told me to say no thank you.
Oh y’all. I was so confused. There are tears in my eyes just writing this because I know it.. I know the message the world sends to my generation and I know the questions I still think as I lay in bed and the darkness welcomes my deepest wonderings.
I spent a solid two months tangled in questions that tied my self-worth with my job title (or lack there of). I watched friends accept job offers and wondered why the years of hard work weren’t seeing a return. The math didn’t add up and the only open door was one He was asking me to simply look at instead of walk through.
I was learning the spiritual practice of quiet but I needed Him to be loud. It was lonely. It was unexpected. It meant turning page after page and thinking surely I’m a character in a dream or this is all a joke or watch! God is going to come through at the last minute! He’s so funny that way!
And He did, but not in any of the ways I imagined it. (Which makes sense because, well, I’m not God.)
Life doesn’t look how I pictured it. Instead, it looks like sitting at a tiny desk and scheduling social media or creating graphics or building online community for thirteen beautiful souls every day. It looks like believing that by serving these women, I’m serving Jesus and building the Kingdom.
It looks like listening to podcasts while rinsing strawberries in the morning. Most days it looks like working from a coffee shop for a few hours because the silence of my apartment is suffocating. It looks like panicking over taxes and terribly missing my friends. This past Saturday it looked like scrolling through social media and seeing seven different weddings and swatting away the lies that dance around inside when you’re 22 and incredibly single. Yesterday evening it looked like standing in a worship service with raised hands and tears slipping down my face as I sang “let it be Jesus.”
That is the song of these pages. That is the twisting inside, the fight to place a different question in His lap. I’m not there yet.. I’m in process and only beginning to process the changes of the past few months. But instead of wondering why my math didn’t add up or allowing doubt about my own worth to be attached to a 401K or a job with benefits, I’m asking something different and reminding myself that His math did add up. I was never going to arrive at “4” because that wasn’t what this season was ever supposed to hold. I’m actually living my dream – it just looks a little different than I imagined.
This page has me whispering “What do you have for me here? This is not a mistake. This is not a misstep. This was the plan all along. My hands are open… let my story read back one day that even yet, I chose to choose Jesus above every thing.”
Let it be Jesus
From the rising of the sun
Let it be Jesus
When all is said and done
I’ll never need another, Jesus there’s no other
For me, to live is Christ
For me, to live is Christ
God I breathe Your name above everything
Let it be, Let it be Jesus
Christy Nockels, Let It Be Jesus
This post was inspired by two books — Anything and Untangled.
Anything is the book that tells the story of a one sentence prayer that shook up countless lives. What if you told God you would do anything, that He could have anything, that nothing was off limits? What happens when you open your hands and your life and simply say, “Hey God… it’s all yours. We will do anything.”? Jennie Allen prayed that prayer years ago and Anything has recently been revamped into both a beautiful new book and a bible study {releasing tomorrow!}. Her words will remind you of the truths you already know while encouraging you to surrender comfortable and say yes to a reckless “anything.”
Untangled, written by Carey Scott, deals primarily with the knots of insecurity that tighten up inside. While there were certainly chapters that didn’t apply to me (namely: marriage. also: kids.), the chapters on insecurity in friendship and with social media were good reads. While it isn’t one I’ll pick up again and again (simply because a big chunk of it doesn’t apply to me in my life stage), I love Carey’s message that even the most tangled up places inside are no match for God.
You are so brave and smart! Thank you for sharing this when it would have been easier not to.
I know my life isn’t what I thought it would be. After all, how can a young girl know better than a mighty God? Keep going. I can’t wait to see what God has in store for you! :)
I’m so glad you shared this! – And I wondered if I was the only one with such thoughts and questions! – Fellow sister seeking the savior….
I’m with you, my life looks nothing like I “THOUGHT” it would and that’s ok!
Oh Kaitlyn, this is so incredibly raw and so incredibly real. I barely know you, but I am immensely proud of your perspective and your astounding love for Jesus. As I go to my knees in prayer for my children…asking Him to give them a heart for Him…asking Him to draw near to them…asking Him to conquer the odds in this world by never allowing them to let go of His hands…I can almost see your face and dare to pray that they will turn out with a heart like yours. You are so wise. I can only hope that your wisdom be imparted to those around you as they are drawn to that bright light. Because you, dear, do nothing short of radiate Jesus.
Hi! Visiting from #tellhisstory link up. I was thinking about your statement ’22 and single’- and I thought ’22 and free’- silly boys and jobs. We want them to define us. And then the lover of our soul wants us to be defined in him. Carl Lentz from Hillsong NY gave an awesome message on singleness. It would sooth those anxious tremors you are feeling about what’s next. Look it up. Short listen, powerful message. You are doing great. Wonderful read.
Glad to have you visiting! I’ll have to look up that message that you mentioned. I recently watched one by Annie Downs and am going to be sending out in my monthly newsletter… such a great talk!
Kaitlyn,
After I graduated from college my family moved to Florida and I spent the next 11 months unemployed, working a few temp jobs that lasted just a week, and wondering why everyone else had such great jobs out of college and I didn’t. I thought I’d never work anywhere but looking back from this job I’m at going on 18 years, I can tell you, it will change! Your circumstances will shift and you will be amazed at where you came from. Praying for you, friend!
Thank you for those prayers, friend!
oHHH sweet Kaitlyn… if there’s anything I’ve learned (and still learning!) along the way it’s that life never ever looks quite like you imagine it to be… Even at 35 I’m still reeling sometimes that some things turned out the way they have (hello instant mom to a full time step mom at age 30 after never having kids…) and some things haven’t turned out at all yet (hello full time sewing and craft business…I’m still waiting on you..) Just keep being who God created you to be in this season- drawing ever closer to Him and I know he will fill in the blanks in due time!! ♥♥♥♥ You are an inspiration girl! Thanks for sharing your heart here! ♥
He sure knows how to take us by surprise, huh? Ha! I love how you said He will fill in the blanks… I’m going to have to steal that. :)
Kaitlyn, thank you for sharing your heart, friend. And I second Karrilee’s comment above, I am proud of you too. My children’s sermon on Sunday was all about how God is proud of us too. I totally get where you are coming from. At 36 years old, I am not exactly where I thought I would be either. When another pregnancy announcement is shared, or another engagement, etc, I am so very happy for my friends, but there is a huge piece of me that dies inside. Love you girl!
Thank you, Tara! I get that, the true, real happiness but also the wondering inside.
I think I was you at 22…Didn’t marry til 35 (35 doesn’t exist when you’re 22.) A lot of mascara on my sheets. You should be encouraged by the wonderful comments above. Still. Maybe I need to be client #14. I’ll email. We all wait. The good news is we get to wait on God. Blessings.
“35 doesn’t exist when you’re 22.” <-- Ha! You're right. :) But thank you for that encouragement! (And I emailed you back :))
Kaitlyn…You are such an inspiration. You share your realness with us, and help us be real ourselves. Thanks for the courage and the risk it took to share this. I’ve been blessed with a family and a career as a marriage and family therapist that I love. My life is different than I thought it would be is about the ending, not the beginning. You know I’ve had to close my practice because of an ever worsening lung disease, that was a rare complication from chemo for breast cancer. Without a miracle I will be going home to Jesus much sooner than I thought.
As I’ve shifted to more of an online presence you have been a blessing as my VA. God has used you to help accomplish what He has for me in this very different life. You exude encouragement, faith and trust in Him. It is contagious, and has helped me so much. Mnay blessings to you, and a Big Hug!
I smiled so big reading this. It is a JOY to work with you! I’m encouraged by your kindness, the generous way you give of your words, and am excited for your book to come out so soon! YAY!
Kaitlyn,
I appreciate your honesty in sharing your in-between time…such a needed perspective because more of our lives are often in that stage …and I say this as someone who is in my 40s…I’m impressed with all you’ve accomplished and your trust in God even as you wrestle…Thank you :-)
Well thank you! I think most of us are in an “in between” but talk about the beginnings or ends of other things so we don’t realize we’re in the in between together. Good thing we don’t have to have this life thing figured out. :)
This is beautiful! I graduated from college a few years back. Even though I pretty quickly got married and got a job, I still wrestle with the question “Is this it?” Makes me wonder if it’s more of a human heart thing. Thanks for sharing so vulnerably…I know lots of women (and men!) who I graduated with who are still wrestling with all of these questions!
Lauren I really appreciate your comment. It reminds me that we’re all walking different roads but we aren’t alone.
Y’all are a hero to me, Kaitlyn.
And I don’t have a whole lot of truck with the heroism thing. But you qualify.
You define the word.
I’ve read this several times and each time I only have this at the end: wow.
Thank you, Andrew.
Kaitlyn, that was a word in due season for me today!!! I am a 60yr old Nana of 8 beautiful grandbebes and we are trying to sell our home in the west coast to move closer to the grandkids!! House has been on the market for 6 months with many viewings but no offers…we thought we heard God to move but now we are not so sure(?)still praying for his will to be done!!!
Miriam I’m so glad it encouraged and spoke to you! Each season is beautiful in its own way.
I’m 32 and definitely not doing what I thought I’d be doing. I thought I would be a band director but now I’m a QA analyst for an online university (I don’t think online universities were even possible when I graduated from high school). I though I would marry young and have a bunch of kids like my mom, but I got married at 28 and so far we only have one child. The only thing I can say is this: it will be okay. We may not know the future, but He does. The place we’re at in life is exactly where He wants us. Thank you for sharing your heart.
Oooh, what is a QA analyst? Would love to hear.
You’re right and I know it. His plan is the best one. I do wish we gave more “air time” to writing about the in between stuff!
You inspire me.
xoxo, friend.
It’s like you read my diary and you have no idea how happy I am that you wrote this post. Not for me, but because I see you realizing very big truths early on, which is something I didn’t. I was so lost post-college and there are more prickly bits in my story but now I’m getting it. Those doors that never opened, the ones God closed, that look on people’s faces when they hear what my “job” is, and being incredibly single at 30. I get it. My life is nowhere near where I thought it would be, but I’ve always been and will always be in God’s hands, the one place I always want to be in. May God envelope you in His blessed assurance and may you always remember that He has grand plans for you that are unfolding according to His time and that today, right now, is part of that big adventure.
Reading over the comments on this post, it’s so interesting to me how many feel or have felt the same way before. I wish it were talked about more but I’m thankful for your comment. You’re 100% right – there’s no where else I’d rather be than in His hands!
I love you so, my friend, and I am so very proud of you! So. Very. Proud.
Thank you. Those words are so valuable right now.
Kaitlyn – I feel like we’d make awesome real life friends…I get exactly what you are saying! :)
I’m 28, I just graduated with my BA and I’m not doing what I thought I would be doing. Life just doesn’t look like I thought it would when I dreamed about it as a kid…or as a teenager…or as an early-20’s young woman. And it’s okay. Yes, there have been times of hurt and question and doubt. Not going to lie, sometimes the hardest thing is giving up the image you wanted for yourself…not because you dislike your life, but because you feel like others don’t approve of the life you have.
And that’s when it is important to remember Who I’m living for. Whose approval I’m seeking. And Who really knows what is best for me.
Thanks for sharing – your words are encouraging and an important reminder to me.
So glad to hear from you, Stephanie… that’s it, just what you said. It doesn’t look like what you expected but it’s okay. In fact, it’s good. Even great. But not the expected. And I’m there with you, too, with the part about remembering Who we’re living for and not caring about your image to others. It’s a struggle when we don’t fit “the norm” but I’m just telling myself that the norm is overrated. :) Thanks for leaving your kind comment here!